When Endings are Beginnings by Shanna Trenholm
The events that have unfolded in my life over the past few months have me walking a tight rope between my past and my future. An act of daring that, by necessity, requires me to perform this feat without a net. I don’t have any skills that make me particularly well-suited for this performance, unless you count the numerous failed and broken relationships littering the trail behind me. I am just winging it, relying on experience and fancy footwork to keep me from tumbling too hard. I’m at the center of the rope where the present, the today, the here and the big scary now resides. Make that Now with a capital N.
“I am, once again, walking away from my past and present into the mysterious future of my hopes and dreams and expectations.”
For me, the Now is a lot scarier than the future. Often, it’s the unknown future that is frightening for most people, but not for me. Change is, if not my friend, my constant companion. I’d even like to believe that I am a rarity in that I lust after change. Well, maybe not lust, but you get the idea. Change, for me, is usually no big whoop. It’s the predictability of the known, especially when that known is not working, that scares me.
So here I am again, in a familiar emotional state, my own little nuclear winter, but this time with the wisdom to know that after a fallow winter a fecund spring will arrive. I am, once again, walking away from my past and present into the mysterious future of my hopes and dreams and expectations.
Ah, yes, expectations. The E-word. I have them and they are a part of my life. Not unrealistic ones, mind you, just reasonable desires. And I am tired of the powder pink, self-help, waste-of-trees-that-pass-for-books telling me that I don’t have a right to expect anything from anyone. The idea that I must accept my partner, friends, and colleagues just as they are while I should tirelessly continue to work on myself is not a part of my future plans—even though the vacant faces staring at me from the dust jackets suggest otherwise.
I will not buy into the psychobabble du jour, instead I’m going to forge my own delicious future using the skills, knowledge, love, and the friendships I have today. These resources are the invisible net that will help me cross that wire without looking down or back. I will perform this feat with intention and integrity and with a hell of a lot more joy than I have been experiencing recently. I may not know exactly what I want out of life, out of a relationship, but I sure know what I do not want. And each shaky step I take gets me closer to the far side of the wire.
Shanna Trenholm is a writer, animal lover, eater of dark chocolate, and teller of truths. She finds inspiration in the ordinary; magic in the mundane. She likes to take baths and naps (in that order). Send her some bubble bath here: www.shannatrenholm.com
March 4th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
Glad to read this and am happy for your found/realized freedom.
May 2nd, 2008 at 9:41 am
I love what you said here:
“And I am tired of the powder pink, self-help, waste-of-trees-that-pass-for-books telling me that I don’t have a right to expect anything from anyone. ”
It’s slippery, isn’t it? There really does seem to be a mantra, and it seems to me that it is most often used by individuals who refuse to think about how their own actions affect others.
Thank you for writing this.