“Francia may be young (20) but she is nobody’s fool, intelligent, articulate, and down-to-earth, her up-beat attitude and natural effervescence are contagious.”

In Francia’s new series on ABC The Secret Life of the American Teenager, which débuts Tuesday July 1, she plays a bad-girl, Adrian Lee, trying to be good. However when her equally bad-boy boyfriend, Ricky Richardson (played by Daren Kagasoff) gets fellow student and decidedly nice girl Amy Juergens (played by Shailene Woodley) pregnant, that seems a far off dream. The series revolves around the lives of the eight teenagers and their family’s who are either directly or indirectly affected by this teenage pregnancy. The series also stars big name grown-up stars like John Schneider and Molly Ringwald, and looks set to be this summer’s runaway favourite family drama.

But don’t think Francia has anything in common with her on-screen persona. This compact ball of fire is anything but a bad girl. Francia attended the prestigious private Catholic high school Bishop Alemany in the Mission Hills area of Los Angeles. While there she excelled at dance – tap, jazz, hip-hop, and Polynesian style dance – acrobatics, karate and figure skating. As high school progressed, so did her career as she took on modelling jobs, commercials and even had a few bit parts in sitcoms. She was so busy that she was forced to leave Bishop Alemany for her senior year, due to its very strict attendance policy, and transferred to a public school, Birmingham high school in Van Nuys, which allowed her to have the scheduling flexibility her fledgling career demanded. Since graduating her career has gone from strength to strength.

Francia may be young (20) but she is nobody’s fool, intelligent, articulate, and down-to-earth, her up-beat attitude and natural effervescence are contagious. I recently spent some time with this up and coming Latin beauty. We talked about life, hot men, growing-up Latina in a racists world, abortion, and of course her new show.

So tell me about your new show The Secret Life of the American Teenager.

Well basically it’s about the relationship’s between teenagers at school and dealing with teen pregnancy.

Are you going to be a pregnant teen?

No I’m not pregnant but the girl who does get pregnant gets pregnant by my boyfriend. Well he’s my boyfriend but he’s not, we’re more like best friends. But I really don’t like the fact that she’s pregnant so I try to convince her that she doesn’t have to.

So you try to talk her into having an abortion? Wow, that’s a very controversial subject for an ABC family drama.

I know, but for me I need him so badly in my life and I feel like if she has the baby, or goes through with the pregnancy, then he’s not going to want to be with me anymore.

So as a Catholic, how did you feel about playing a character who is encouraging someone to have an abortion?

I hadn’t really thought about that. I don’t agree with it but because I’m acting I’m not taking it too seriously.

When I was growing-up Molly Ringwald was the coolest person in the world. I so wanted to be her. Can you tell me what she is like in person?

She is a really nice girl. I barely met her for the first time yesterday and we hung out together in my trailer and it was fun.

Who plays your parents in the show?

There’s a lady named Paola [Turbay] and my dad… I don’t really know who my father is but by the time the show ends I will find out who it is.

Are you close to your real family?

Now that I’m away from home I’m a lot closer to them. And I am a lot closer to my mom.

Is your family important to you?

You know I’m starting to learn that they are. When I was young I used to say “I hate my mom, I hate my dad, I hate everyone.” And now that I’m older I have learned to appreciate them.

Your mother is Mexican and your father is Honduran, do you think that made it more difficult for you, growing-up in the Los Angeles?

No actually. It wasn’t till I got to high school that I saw it have any affect on my life. The Hispanics hung-out with the Hispanics, The Asians hung-out with the Asians, everyone had their little cliques. That opened my eyes.

A.L. Harper is a freelance writer and motorbike fanatic originally from Salt Lake City, Utah but now living in Scotland. In edition to being the Managing Editor for All Things Girl, A.L. is the Assistant Music Editor for Blogcritics.org and a freelance writer for hire.

Share This Article »

Growing up around multi-talented artists like Jackson Browne, Graham Nash, and Glen Phillips, no doubt inspired Crosby as a child. Now as an adult he makes music that is a mix-up of musical genres, with flavours of jazz, funk, folk, and rock, catchy riffs, addictive melodies and heartfelt lyrics. And he has put them all into his début album We All Go Home. A warm, soulful singer-songwriter based album, featuring the talents of fellow musicians and friends – many the son’s of rock stars themselves. Sporting the name, Crosby Loggins and the Light, together they created an album that is a testament to true talent. It’s a début any aspiring rock star would be proud of.

Recently Crosby took some time to chat with me about life, love and the details that make things worth it for him.

You write a lot of romantic lyrics. Are you a romantic at heart?

I do write a certain amount of romance based music. Although usually I consider the best songs I’ve written, to be a little bit of an abstract. Something to do with life, or doing well in life, or about being happy in life, or some secret to life. I’ve definitely written a lot of romantic material, unfortunately some of it has worked. (Laughing) I got her back with a couple of those and then it had to sadly decay again, slowly, over the course of the following year. You have to watch it cause you might not actually want to get her back. (laughs)

Do you think that because you’re a songwriter there is more pressure to write romantic songs for the girl?

Probably most girls, but my girlfriend knows better I think. She knows I’m always trying to get away from boy/girl themes. I think those are rarely the most interesting songs anymore. Although many of the best songs were boy/girl themes. But there is definitely going to be pressure there, and I have managed to come through with some cute ones. They will probably just stay on tape recorder and not go anywhere.

Do you think you’re a romantic guy generally, outside of songwriting?

Yeah definitely. I mean in a sense life wise. In the sense that I would honestly prefer just to hang-out, eat great food, drink great wine and talk about art and life. When I was younger I was a prissy little romantic and intellectual and I’ve chilled-out a bit.

You told me earlier that you’re a geek. Can you be more specific?

“Whatever I’m doing if I’m out, or writing a song, I’m usually obsessed with a lot of the tiny parts. It’s fun you know. I think it’s a really passionate way to engage life. Good stuff is in the details.”

Yeah I’m a geek. The term geek gets thrown around so liberally these days. Anybody that’s interested in something all of the sudden is a geek. And wasn’t that interesting and sexy a minute ago?. Most of the celebrities, or artists, or actresses that I admire, have a secret fetish for Star Wars, and shit like that, anyway.

What kind of geek are we talking about here? Are you full on Trekkie, do you speak Klingon or anything like that?

No, I’m not a Trekkie. I’m more a Discovery Channel watching type. Whatever I’m doing if I’m out, or writing a song, I’m usually obsessed with a lot of the tiny parts. It’s fun you know. I think it’s a really passionate way to engage life. Good stuff is in the details.

I think you can live in a a simple bamboo box but if the hardware is nice it might as well be a million dollar high-rise in New York City. (laughs) Yeah so it’s all in the details.

Interesting philosophy. So you’re a pretty philosophical guy about life and stuff?

“It’s an obstacle course I run to get to myself. The whole experience of it is a real big challenge. You’re always hitting mental blocks that you can’t get past, and you keep growing. It makes you stronger, and for me that is a really rewarding experience.”

Yeah, I’m kinda tragically introspective. I would say. When I was I kid I would follow my dad around sometimes on like book tours and random situations. He was into a lot of New Age philosophy and New Age thinkers and writers. He’d have a lot of those types around the house when I was young. That was a big influence on me. I think I sincerely considered being a part of a bunch of different religions. When I was a kid I was baptised Catholic. At Summer camp I would try on the faith, my step-mother was Jewish and I got interested in the Torah. (laughs) I actually got into Rastafarianism, curiously, for a year and a half of my life. Studied some of that stuff and eventually dropped it all and worked in a Buddhist/Taoist shop for awhile.

So I’ve always been very fascinated by religion and faith and the concept of God and all those kinds of things. Although these days I don’t subscribe to one religion, but I consider myself a very spiritual person. I think that a lot of power people have is in there own minds and hearts, and I personally believe that, that in itself is a miracle.

It’s funny that we should wander down such an esoteric path, because that really is the reason that I – and I think many artists do – still do music. It’s an obstacle course I run to get to myself. The whole experience of it is a real big challenge. You’re always hitting mental blocks that you can’t get past, and you keep growing. It makes you stronger, and for me that is a really rewarding experience.

Tell me more about your current album We All Go Home.

We All Go Home is a collection of my earlier material. It’s a few songs that were co-written with the band, in a writing session right before the first track of the album got recorded. The majority of it is original material that I’ve had for some time. Basically the whole concept for We All Go Home was… when we were making the record we were into a few different things, stylistically, not one specific thing. We wanted to try and incorporate all those different things into what we were doing. It’s sort of like the iPod being on shuffle, we never felt like we had to stick to any one thing all the time. So it shuffles around from rap to rock to funk to jazz, there are some R&B-ish moments, all under this singer-songwriter umbrella, and we tie it altogether with strong instrumentalists. I wanted to create a synergy that could carry on and expand into a live context. That was kind of the goal.

I wanted to ask you about one song in particular, the last track, “Same Old Song”. It is the only song on the album that seems to be a deeply personal song.

I agree. It is the most personal song on the record. I actually wrote that song with a buddy of mine who passed away a couple of years ago. That is a personal piece for me.

What is it about?

It’s really about negotiating the shadow of my father. There are moments where you can interchange whether or not I am talking about Kenny as a young boy, or me as a young boy. The similarities in our journeys.

Can we talk about you being the son of Kenny Loggins?

Yeah, sure.

Do you think it’s helped or hindered you in the long run?

A lot of people ask that. I really do believe that it is a fair measure of both. There’s a lot of expectation. You can afford to use opportunities that others might not get but people say again and again that if you aren’t talented when you get those opportunities you’re never going to be invited back again.

Even beyond that, I know, I personally, find it very difficult to take the child of anyone famous seriously.

Yeah, I can recognise that.

I think that is probably extraordinarily unfair of me. But I always think, that they are riding their parent’s coattails.

That is absolutely the reason I was guffawing at this television show I was just on, because it’s all about making people famous. (laughs) And I was laughing because, who would want to watch that?

I don’t know if it’s necessarily an unfair judgment because there is a large measure of people who have ridden off their parents coattails, in this regard. But always consider when it comes to doctors, lawyers, even high-powered executives that’s just the norm. Yeah, it’s a double edged sword, there’s no two ways about it.

A.L. Harper is a freelance writer and motorbike fanatic originally from Salt Lake City, Utah but now living in Scotland. In addition to being the Managing Editor for All Things Girl, A.L. is the Assistant Music Editor for Blogcritics.org and a freelance writer.

Share This Article »

Has something ever come your way: a job, a living situation, or a relationship that seemed so ideal, so too good to be true? Did you stop to question your good luck—but only for a moment, because, well, who wants to over think something so obviously perfect and meant to be? In the back of your mind did you think that just maybe it was finally your time, while at the same moment wondering if you deserved this stroke of good fortune? Did you beat back the naysayers with assurances that you are aware of the red flags surrounding this delicious circumstance, that you know what you are doing, that you know you are doing the right thing?

Well say hello to my old friends romanticism and starry-eyed delusion.

So here I am, fresh on the heels of a break-up after 7 years of less-than-blissful domesticity, and now find I am licking my wounds from this brand new hurt that’s been layered on top of the original pain. You see, as rational as my mind is, my heart has a whole ‘nother agenda. I am able to advise on relationship matters for my friends and family, with unflinching clarity and stellar insight, but when it comes to attending to my own affairs of the heart, I am completely inept.

“I am able to advise on relationship matters for my friends and family, with unflinching clarity and stellar insight, but when it comes to attending to my own affairs of the heart, I am completely inept.”

I try. I think I am lucid. I am pretty sure I weigh the pros and cons. I consider the signs and red flags and make a levelheaded decision about whether or not I should get involved. Then I stumble. Falter. Fall hard and get hurt. There isn’t a band-aid big enough for the double-whammy I am enduring right now. But I am still alive, the pain a visceral reminder of my mortality and the long road (if I am lucky) ahead of me.

In what feels like another lifetime, I got myself tangled up in a similar situation. After my divorce, nearly a dozen years ago, I fell hard for a charming cad when I was in need, desire really, of some kind words and physical connection. You know the situation: (let’s not use the word rebound, it’s so tacky) you are at the deepest darkest point in your life and convinced that dying would be the best thing that could happen all week. As with my, ahem, rebound then, this one bears a striking resemblance.

As much as I was over my long-term relationship, and had done much of the processing work that I needed to do while I was still in the relationship, I hadn’t spent enough time alone after the actual physical split to bring myself back to equilibrium. This is true of the rebound after my marriage and this recent train wreck I’m mopping up after. Had I spent a little more time alone after the big break-up, I likely wouldn’t be suffering through this mini break-up.

Spending time alone is the greatest gift I have given myself. I can’t evangelize enough about time alone. I am not one of those people who need to be in a relationship for fear of being alone, I just always happen to find myself as one half of an ultimately unhappy pair. And that’s a big problem that I now recognize. Just happening into relationships is not a sustainable model. No longer will I fall into relationships the way I fall into bed (alone) after a long day. Intention needs to be my guide. Oh, that and a bit more cautiousness.

I realize that I have denied myself many things that I haven’t felt I deserved. This is not a cognitive choice that I make, just the result of a lifetime of family and relationship issues and other contributing factors. To have the relationship I know I want, I have to envision what that looks like. And that’s where intention, and The List, comes into play.

“To have the relationship I know I want, I have to envision what that looks like. And that’s where intention, and The List, comes into play. “

The List is just that—a list that I have started with all the things, physical, emotional, mental, etc. that I would want in a future partner. Now, when faced with dating that cute, but homeless accordion player with the Sistine Chapel tattooed on his back and a great grin—but no job or even a bus pass as a means of transportation, I will check the list to see if those traits fall into the parameters of what I’d like in a partner. So far, homelessness and accordions are not on The List.

Banged-up and bruised though my heart may be, I am still optimistic. Call me a fool, but I believe that one day I will be in a gratifying relationship. I will continue to follow my heart but I will make sure that my heart has an honest discussion with my head. I will honor the signs instead of explaining them away. I will not become a part of a couple until I consult The List, my head, and a few friends who know my previous m.o.

And yes, the tee shirts he made for me are quite cute, but not worth the misery.

Shanna Trenholm is a writer, animal lover, eater of dark chocolate, and teller of truths. She finds inspiration in the ordinary; magic in the mundane. She likes to take baths and naps (in that order). Send her some bubble bath here: www.shannatrenholm.com

Share This Article »

Tell the readers a little about your background as well as your new book Stand the Storm.

Washington is my home town and my feelings about Washington are part of what motivates me and informs my fiction. I am a native Washingtonian and African American. Washington has a unique status as the Capitol, but people have always lived there. I personally think it has a poorly understood history, it’s just that the government being there overshadows much of what has happened to the people making the city their home. There is a vibrant community of Washingtonians and (for example) until the 1950’s, the neighborhood I grew up in was diverse. Its history has had far more diversity, both economically and racially, than most neighborhoods. It was never just a black neighborhood.

“Washington D.C. during this time was the kind of place where there was a lot of danger, but it was an urban center and had the opportunity for someone trying to purchase their freedom or free themselves.”

Stand the Storm is set in the years leading up to the Civil War and a few years after. Washington D.C. had a unique history in that time period because Abraham Lincoln tried an idea of compensated emancipation - that slave owners could get paid by the government to free a slave – as a way to take some of the steam out of the confederacy. Now, that is a simplification of the idea, but the basis of parts of the book. There were those in Washington D.C. who were previously enslaved and freed about six months sooner than those who were in other areas of the South (those areas in conflict with the Union). The Emancipation Proclamation only freed those who lived in states that had succeeded and were part of the Confederacy. Washington D.C. during this time was the kind of place where there was a lot of danger, but it was an urban center and had the opportunity for someone trying to purchase their freedom or free themselves. That is why the novel was set in Washington D.C.

Was the tailor shop Gabriel operated a real place?

The tailor shop is fictional and it wasn’t based on a particular place, however, businesses like that existed in Washington D.C. Skilled laborers have long been a part of the history of slavery. A lot of the large plantations, like Mt. Vernon, operated like their own village. George Washington had blacksmith and many semi-skilled laborers. He also employed people that didn’t need to work because there were ready made goods that could be purchased, but not up to the needs of such large group of people, who would either have to purchase or make clothes. It was traditional on these large plantations that, if they were able to afford it, they owned enough slaves to have skilled laborers, like Annie and Gabriel, as part of the industry.

Tell me more about the main characters of Stand the Storm.

As to the part of Gabriel, he exhibits talent and there is a profit to be had from this. While it is not typical, it was also not unusual for salves to be hired out to yet another person. The slaves were working for someone else, but the profit was going to the slave owners. At times, there were offers to the enslaved for the opportunity to earn additional money and come in contact with other slaves who were in similar circumstances. The wider the circle, the more you could improve your circumstance.

“If you will grant her full intellect and humanity, it is not difficult to find her voice.”

The mother, Annie Coats, is critical to the book. The point that I was trying to achieve, for all the characters, was a full recognition of them as human beings, not as slaves. I don’t take contemporary feelings and try to grasp them ont the 19th century characters, but tried to typically understand. I read diaries and other written materials. There were a lot of challenge to research the lives in slaves because limitations with literacy for them. It wasn’t a racial issue, but it was pertinent to the circumstances of slaves, because education was something slaves were anxious to acquire, but slave owners tried to strictly keep control of the access, so communication was a challenge. I wanted to think about those issues, the elements of that life, and Annie became a full character, considering those circumstances. But there is also a universality which makes it possible to understand. If you will grant her full intellect and humanity, it is not difficult to find her voice.

Tell us a little about the relationship between Mary and Gabriel

Circumstances for women are different. One thing that was important in creating the character Mary, and her relationship to Gabriel, was also to illuminate the ways in which being enslaved, being black, and in particular, being a women, put her in a particular type of jeopardy, vulnerability and victimization. This is a different form of victimization no matter what a woman’s race, position of freedom or economical level experienced. Being a slave, black, and a woman led to show that it was not just white men who were oppressing her, but white women and black men were also part of the oppression of a woman in her position. So, because of the circumstance, this is a large part of the dynamic of the relationship between Gabriel and Mary.

Gabriel is a man who influenced by a strong an intelligent woman – his mother - so he has insights that his contemporaries do not have. He should be allowed some of those insights. Annie is practical and clever enough to see that there are times when the gender imbalance can be used to advantage if you can see a way to do that. She set him up as am umbrella - he becomes a rallying point and his masculinity gives him advantages in his work and as a source of protection for them. Not using it, but clearly sees it. He does live in the world of men and can negotiate that.

And what about the child, Delia, that Ellen took as her own?

The child was not free. The only circumstance in Delia’s case that is not - cannot speak of common or widespread – the mixed slave person – is not uncommon at all – one of the things that is illuminated in Stand the Storm is what the impact is if a white woman who has a child who is not white. It is, in fact, Delia’s mother, who cannot be the child’s mother as it won’t be allowed – she creates enough trouble bearing the child. The circumstance is not only murky, but also troublesome that has a part of it. But that contributes to the murkiness to the freedom - - who does she belong to – she came home with Ellen – and thus belonged to Jonathan Ridley. People who were not white had to make themselves free one way or another. Had to prove they had been born free, purchase themselves, escape,

Talk about history and in particular, black history.

“Our history is complex and unfortunately I think what we tend to do with the culture is stop at the high school level – everything you get is it – and all that can be covered in that period of time is very general things.”

Our history is complex and unfortunately I think what we tend to do with the culture is stop at the high school level – everything you get is it – and all that can be covered in that period of time is very general things. Then you get into individuals (and a broad brush)and also a lot of educators and political types who use our American history as a way to advance a particular political idea. People in South Carolina who may not want to acknowledge the full gamut of slave past – as a country, we don’t acknowledge a slave past – and this doesn’t affect just the black people, it also affects the whites. All of us are involved in the slave past, not just the slaves and slave owners. People who traded in cotton futures, textiles, goods from textiles to rum to sugar – but other commodities – mining, industrial, slaves were heavily used maritime professions. As a society, we seem to have a romantic idea of slave labor – limited – for agricultural. Many slaves lived in large cities like Washington DC, Richmond, etc. The circumstances of urban slavery were different from rural. Large plantations are our image, but the typical was not large, but a smaller. There were a lot of people involved. So, the motive to express the more complex image was not to upset, but acknowledge, the past. An enormous amount of land was cultivated by slave labor, not to mention just cotton and sugar. My pulpit is always to let them tell the stories of everyone, let them out and hear them all. Let’s hear about the other folks, too.

Tell us about your first novel (River, Cross My Heart) being chosen by Oprah as one of her book club books.

It was great. The book was coming along nicely before the Oprah announcements. The first printing of 50,000 was selling well and we were already discussing a second printing when the call came form Oprah’s people. It was extremely important because it brings the book to a much wider audience. Anytime you can increase the book’s audience, it’s wonderful. It was such an enormous big 2nd printing – and brought the book into a lot of places that not would have reached. It was a very besides a successful for the book – it was a nice experience interacting with some readers the way they did. There were some really good reviews before the Oprah thing, but it absolutely put the book into another realm, just with the name association. Since there are repeats of Oprah’s shows, that’s kind of fun as well. Oprah understands it is hard and she makes a connection with people, giving them an opportunity to do things, and treats them like they belong. That is an elusive quality, and Oprah has it.

Writing can be such a solitary career. How do you balance in your family and your friends while being true to your needs as a writer?

There is balance as a writer. It is a solitary profession in many respects. One thing that has been fortunate for me is that before my first book was published, I worked full time in an office and part time at my writing. After River, Cross My Heart, I was able to write full time. I do have a lot of buddies and friends, I’m married and I have my dogs. I have a nice little social circle, and when I was working full time, I used public transportation. Having contact with people, just looking at them and watching them, is a great asset. It’s interesting to try and read what they are thinking, seeing their faces and bodies and attitudes and being sketch out them as characters. I have continued to do that when I can. Now that writing full time, one thing that was most difficult was (took an early retirement) was the thought I could write all day. I thought how fabulous it would be, but it doesn’t work that way. No one works twenty-four-hours a day. It took me quite awhile to achieve a schedule. For the first time, I was in charge of my whole schedule. I started swim lessons and aqua aerobics, so I see people regularly. I have some opportunities to get out and get my blood flowing – to get the oxygen flowing to the brain. Now I have found little hang out places where you become a regular. Usually get up early and wind down towards the end of the evenings.

“For the first time, I was in charge of my whole schedule.”

What advice would you give to want-to-be writers?

Well, just do it. That’s the best advice. You want to write it, then write it. There is a point in which you quit talking about it. But recognize that thinking is part of it (that) woolgathering isn’t a waste of time and you will have times that you will sit and not write. Also, write it, don’t try to fix it as you go. Just write, and go back to edit. Just do it. I went to a writer’s conference several years back and Earnest J. Gaines was a teacher at the workshop. I submitted something, was accepted, and was just happy as a clam. He (Earnest Gaines) liked my story and that is how my novel began. I wrote it as a short story, but it really wanted to be a novel. And he told me, so, you go and write it as a novel. He also told me to not come back to a writer’s conference next summer, but to go and write on vacation. Very practical advice. This idea is good; it wants to be a novel. Just sit down and do it. It’s hard and scary. But it’s worth it.

What other projects are you working on?

I am working on a new novel, which is well under way. And as always, I have other ideas percolating in the drawer – just waiting in queue. I haven’t penned down a rigid time table, but have discussed them with my agent. As to why I am not on a rigid time table, it’s because long fiction needs a little room to rise. I’m not a particularly fast writer – or quick to develop a novel. I am, however, working on something that is exciting now, so it’s beginning to move briskly for me. This is a novel that is set in the same time period, but a different area of the country. It’s an estate novel, about a young girls escape, her development and her maturing.

For more information on Breena Clarke, visit her website. You can also check out the ATG Review of Stand the Storm. Watch the blog for your chance to win a copy!

Deb Smouse is the Editor in Chief at All Things Girl. She’s is fast approaching 40…and spends her life fulfilling her roles as a consultant, mother, friend, reader, and writer. She loves to read…and appreciates the opportunity to hear from writers…. Find out more about Deb on our About Page.

Share This Article »

It’s been ages since I’ve written (whined) about writers block, but yet, it’s a subject that has been haunting me for the last couple of months. I had planned to take a solid week to hide away at a friends’ cabin in a remote location with little cell phone access, but, instead, I attended meetings and signed a new contract. It was so appropriate, at least to me, that the ATG issue that was being worked on that evening was “Sacrifice”. Once again, I had sacrificed my desire to be a writer with the logic of putting my business first. If I had it to do again, I would choose my business.

“The ability to make my living doing something I truly love is priceless.”

I am very fortunate to be able to say that I am passionate about my business. My job, in all honesty, involves the daily use of words and more importantly, it involves the putting together puzzle pieces in an environment where folks are needing my help to do so. The ability to make my living doing something I truly love is priceless.

In this eighth (or is it ninth) draft of my column, I looked back to January, when I wrote about not choosing a resolution this year, but choosing three words to live by. I can say that, without a doubt, I am keeping the word “passion” at the forefront of each of my days. Though I may be suffering from writer’s block where my creative writing is concerned, when it comes to following my intent for my life that I laid out about nine months ago, I am on target. I am doing something I love. I am making choices for my career that have required that I call upon the courage that is deep inside of me, even though I have gotten a bit of grief from some of my friends and family.

Of my three words I chose as my guiding principals for 2008, I am doing well with two out of three (passion and courage), but I still struggle on a regular basis with the third, that being forgiveness. I don’t know how to not be so hard on myself. At times, I feel it’s very necessary. I haven’t quite figured out how to balance the desire for doing better without being too self-critical. I can tell you, though, that if I continue to work in my areas of courage, I think I will get to a space that is at least better. I didn’t choose what was easy, by the way,  when I chose my three words for 2008, but what was right for me in my growth as a person.

“I have seen changes in myself in the last decade and while the thirties were good to me, I have a gut feeling that my forties are going to be fabulous.”

My gut feel is that some of my writer’s block has been due to being afraid if my writing is good enough or worrying what people will think when they read what I have written.  Like everything, it will come with time if I nurture the courage that is there inside myself and stop flagellating myself for my inability to get it down on paper. Maybe, like Breena Clarke said in our interview, I’m just in my woolgathering phase.

I turned forty in May and though I’m not old, I’m certainly older. I have seen changes in myself in the last decade and while the thirties were good to me, I have a gut feeling that my forties are going to be fabulous. We do grow wiser as we grow older and I have learned that the more I follow my heart in how I make my living, the more courageous I become. Forgiving myself for my own shortcomings will follow along if I allow it the space to grow.

Deb Smouse is the Editor in Chief at All Things Girl. She’s just edged over the “age forty” line. She spends her life fulfilling her roles as a consultant, mother, friend, reader, and writer. She loves to travel and is building a list of places she wants to visit. Find out more about Deb on our About Page.

Share This Article »

Several years ago I had a closet full of clothing. Actually, it was more like two closets and a few boxes full of clothing. Not clothing that I could actually wear at the time, mind you. Clothing that I’d once worn and to which I’d become inextricably attached.

Each season, when it was time to put away the winter clothing and bring out the summer clothing, or vice versa, I’d go through my ritual of laying out my size teeny clothing and admiring them. Remembering how great I looked in my black pencil skirt or the navy and white dress that made me feel like a famous Hollywood actress of yesteryear. If I’d shed a few pounds during the previous season, sometimes I’d even attempt to try on a piece or two, only to be frustrated.

“Why do you always do this to yourself, Hon?” my husband would ask as I stood over the mess of clothing. “Don’t you think it’s time to let go of this stuff?” His question wasn’t really a question, but more of a desperate pleading. Being a clothing and shoe fanatic himself, he really could use the closet space.

“The realization that while they were of no use to me, other than a few memories, these items would mean the world to women who were looking for a fresh start in life.”

I tried to get tough with myself. I would draw a deep breath and scribble a date on the box. If I couldn’t fit the contents of that box by that date, I would get rid of it. Then I’d pat the box gently, as if to say, “I’ll see you soon,” before my husband shoved it back into the dark, hot crawl space. The leaves on the trees would turn beautiful shades of red and gold and drift to the ground where we’d rake them before the snow. Cold Ohio winters would give way to spring and then to the warmth of summer. But, still, I just couldn’t get back into that tiny little pencil skirt or narrow-waisted dress.

Still I wasn’t ready to let go. I’d cross out the old date and scribble on a new one, setting myself up for failure once again. I did this for years. Until I was ready to let go. What precipitated my relinquishment of these cherished items? The realization that while they were of no use to me, other than a few memories, these items would mean the world to women who were looking for a fresh start in life.

A co-worker introduced me to Dress for Success, a non-profit organization that promotes the economic independence of disadvantaged women by providing professional attire and career development tools. My co-worker was once a recipient of the program. She was committed to supporting the organization that helped her achieve self-sufficiency. Hearing her story, and the stories of women like her, made me feel selfish, greedy even. At that moment it became crystal clear: It was time to let go.

“Letting go isn’t easy, but it is a necessary part of life. “

I raided the boxes and my closets and donated 2/3 of their contents. I held on to just a few pieces – and yes that Old Hollywood dress was among them – and gave the rest to women who needed it much more. It was a feeling of great satisfaction. And I made room in my closet for new things. Clothing that fit. Clothes in which I’d make new memories.

Letting go isn’t easy, but it is a necessary part of life. Since parting with those beloved items I’ve never even missed them. Not once. In retrospect I realize how foolish it was. But, what I didn’t realize was that the things that I gave up were just the beginning of letting go. If I wanted to make room in my life for the things that I wanted I’d have to let go of everything that didn’t serve my purpose. Starting from within…

Samara Leigh is a Northeast Ohio-based freelance writer, entrepreneur and E-consultant. Her non-fiction and fiction work celebrates the triumphant spirit of women on a journey of self-discovery..

Share This Article »

Off I scampered to my local independent pet shop to pick up a pink harness and leash. It had to be pink you see. No real reason why. And off I went to Target to get a little pink/purple collar with a bell on it (I would regret this later when I heard tinkle tinkle tinkle tinkle next to my ear at 4 am) and a soft-sided pet carrier, in the prerequisite pink, of course. And off I went to the Army Surplus Shop to get a soldier’s dog tag engraved. We had to make a statement, you see, what with having all that pink. And to be fair, her harness was pink camouflage.

All in all, here is a list of our cat travel supplies:

• Pink soft-sided carrier designed by Isaac Mizrahi (I tell you the designer because that’s what everyone asks me all the time. All my pet lover friends want to know where to find a carrier just like it)
• Pink breast cancer awareness leash
• Pink camouflage harness (originally made for a small dog, but we won’t tell her that. It’s astonishingly hard to find harnesses for a cat, let alone an attractive harnesses)
• Pinkish/Purplish collar with a bell from Target (It cost less than $5 and it was sparkly. How could I pass it up?)
• Two of her familiar toys from home
• A small plastic litter box
• A small food and water dish combo with a rubber grip (so as not to slide around in the car)
• A small bag of Fresh Step litter
• A small bag of Meow Mix, her food of choice
• A small hand vacuum for litter spills (of which we had several, so I was grateful to have this along. It made cleaning up after her in the car and in the motel bathroom so much easier. She likes to kick her litter everywhere, and there is nothing so annoying as to walk on a bed of litter to get to the toilet or shower)
• A litter scoop (I actually didn’t use this often at all. Usually she’d hold it all day until we got to our room and then proceed to kick most of her litter onto the bathroom floor and then use the rest of what was left in the box. It was easier just to dump the litter every morning before resuming our trip.)
• A soft, cushy blue pet bed (which she never really used unless it was in my husband’s lap)
• And most important of all, my husband’s lap. Because if you have read Marley’s Catbook page (on Facebook) you know that she loves my husband more than anything else. So having him along on this trip was imperative. (For me too, I love him quite a lot as well!)

Before starting off on our precisely 2,572-mile roundtrip, we thought it might be wise to do a couple practice trips before hand. We loaded Marley up in her harness, collar, ID tag, and leash (she thought we were crazy) and took off down some back roads around our house. I let Jon drive at first and I held her in my lap. Let’s just suffice it to say, she was not amused. She didn’t care for the bumpy roads at all and let us both know it. And it was clear she didn’t care for me being the one in the passenger seat. So a few miles down the road we stopped and changed places. She was a completely different cat when she settled into Jon’s lap. She was politely curious about the goings on outside the window, but for the most part, she was content to curl up and purr. We began to feel hopeful at that point.

The next evening, after a long day at work, we decided to try another practice trip. We bundled her up again and stuck her in her cat carrier. She put up with that surprisingly well. I like to think she enjoyed the color, but that’s just me. We hit the road again, but this time we headed for the interstate, since the majority of our traveling would be by highway. Jon let her out of the carrier and kept a firm grip on her leash (lest she decide to get too curious about the gas and break pedals under my feet. At no time was she ever allowed to sit in the driver’s lap while the car was in motion. Much to her dissatisfaction on occasion.) She was a perfect angel. She sat in Jon’s lap and purred the entire journey. By the time we made it back home, we were convinced she could easily handle our long road trip.

If you want to hear more about Miss Marley Barley’s road trip, check back for Part 2 next month. For now I’m out of room to keep writing.

A.B. Monk is a graduate from the University of Tennessee. She is an avid animal lover and has worked with the University of Tennessee Veterinarian School, the Knoxville Zoological Gardens, and Tiger Haven Big Cat Sanctuary. She is currently working with a nonprofit health care organization to support herself until she has the education and funds to start her own animal sanctuary and green living corporation. You can visit her website at www.spiniffy.com or her pet blog at critter.spiniffy.com. She is a regular columnist here at All Things Girl….

Share This Article »

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

In the 1950’s, American folk music revivalist Pete Seeger adapted the biblical passage in Ecclesiastes to create the well-known song “Turn! Turn! Turn! (To Everything There Is a Season)”. In my own life of late, there has been a swift acceleration in the variety of unfolding events, with a growing sense of haste and of speeding up which requires me to either flow with it and grow with it or to resist and to have my sails knotted up in frustration, confusion, and futility.

“Life, as we all well know, is faithfully providing opportunity to respond and to learn and to grow, affording us a multitude of occasions to become infinitely more than we were only the year, week or, sometimes, even the hour before.”

Life, as we all well know, is faithfully providing opportunity to respond and to learn and to grow, affording us a multitude of occasions to become infinitely more than we were only the year, week or, sometimes, even the hour before. When I survey my relatively brief existence I see that there has never been a time when change and variety has not presented itself to me on a daily basis – but I’ve not always been mindful, much less welcoming, of it. While I do thrive on the exhilaration of much change, a white-knuckled fear often encroaches if I find difficulty locating my point of reference. During the times in my life where I have felt most lost, I have asked: What is at the heart of all things? Where does everything spring from? Where can I always be sure to place my feet, steady and firm?

Six weeks ago I was installed, albeit tentatively, as a non-custodial mother living on the opposite side of the country from my children. After three years of separation and a year and a half of not parenting full-time, I was making great strides in redefining my role as a mother – a point of reference for almost a decade and a half. My partner Warren and I had been making preparations to have the children with us over summer vacation, when my ex-husband informed us that he was travelling to spend time with his new girlfriend. I had some initial anxiety at this information because I felt intuitively that a long-distance relationship for him could very well precipitate relocation - the relevance for me, of course, being that the children would possibly be introduced to yet another season of upheaval. As it turns out, my intuition was dead on. Their father is moving from the Pacific Northwest to Southern California, for work and for love.

Thursday, June 5 – 10 days ago at the writing of this article – via many, many emotional discussions between Warren and myself and my ex-husband, it has been decided that my children will come to live with us, here, and not sometime in the distant future, but much, much sooner, as in midsummer, 2008. Just like that. Turn, turn, turn…the wheels turned and the mechanisms clicked in place.

6 weeks after – now, in the present – I have gone from reluctantly accepting a somewhat unconventional role as a long-distance non-custodial mother to making renovations to the home and the life that I have been sharing with Warren for just under one year. We are, today, at the halfway point - in a little over 6 weeks from now, we, the bohemian Montréal lovers, will become full-time, permanent, custodial mother and stepfather, respectively, to my quirky, artistic twelve year-old son and feisty, strong-willed fourteen year-old daughter.

And so now, we are moving furniture, and thinking about additional appliances and painting and homework schedules. There is talk of school registration and bus schedules, rules and routines, midsummer activities, step-parenting and parenting again, the future and the past and how we found ourselves here now, where we will be soon, where we hope to be, and where we will find ourselves later.

Wild times, wild times…you know what they say about variety…

In the midst of these changes, Warren’s 94-year old grandmother passed away after a long, vibrant life filled to overflowing with many children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren and great-great grandchildren. We travelled to Ottawa for the family gatherings, for the wake, and for the funeral, and had the chance to spend some time up at the cottage owned by his grandparents, the same cottage where he cultivated beautiful memories throughout his entire childhood. It is the end of an era for him and for his family, in many quiet, private ways.

“Nothing stays the same; nothing is static. It keeps simmering, it keeps shimmering, and the river continues to flow. “

On the afternoon of the funeral, we waded in the cool, embracing river and, while Warren watched from the rocks on the shore, I swam way, way out and floated peacefully under a perfectly blue sky. Resting there, I listened to my breathing and asked: How do we hold a life when it all flows with its own currents? Even at the end of many years, even in a life filled to overflowing with love and laughter, difficulty and loss, hard work and creativity, it continues on, as George Harrison said, “…within you and without you.”

And so it behooves me to think about what I will season my life with, in these seasons that turn, turn, turn. What will I cultivate in the time that I have? Nothing stays the same; nothing is static. It keeps simmering, it keeps shimmering, and the river continues to flow. The wheels keep turning, and the seasons change from one to the next. So many metaphors are used because they speak of Truth, and so, in the face of this Truth, in the large and the small, with all the variety, what will I season my life with? There is much, so very much to choose from, and in the end, may it be fragrant, and far more sweet than bitter.

Renée Letros is mother to a teenage daughter and a just-about-to-be-teenage son. She lives in Montréal, Canada, with her best friend, partner and Love, Warren, in an idyllic tree-lined neighborhood surrounded by parks, cafés, bakeries, churches, and an open-air market. She focuses her writing mainly on non-fictional explorations of relationships with lovers, family, friends, co-workers, and community and culture

Share This Article »

I could blame the dogs. After all, it’s difficult to be settled and sure of oneself when two small furry beasties go to the door looking for “Daddy” at precisely 7:45. The thing is, the dogs only did this for the first two days he was gone. Then they promptly forgot his existence until roughly one hour before he arrived back home. (It should be noted that when I am the one who is away, my dogs pine for me the entire time. Just saying.)

“Marriage is all about dependence. You have to maintain independent interests and identities or you both stagnate, but you also have to have some level of interdependence or you aren’t really a cohesive family unit.”

I could blame the fact that I was suffering from a particularly nasty stomach virus the entire first week he was gone (yes, I’m fine now) and was on a lovely cocktail of uber-powerful antibiotics, anti-nausea meds that made the room spin, and Vicodin for illness-induced pain, but honestly, I was so drugged I only really noticed his absence when I woke in the middle of the night.

So we’re back to the reality. I’m a strong person with my own income who did not move from my mother’s house directly to living with my husband. In fact, until I gave up corporate America and the mortgage industry to write full time, my income exceeded his (a fact he believes concerns me. He thinks I feel inadequate because he is currently earning the bulk of our income. This is both oddly perceptive and probably valid.) Despite this, I had to fight the urge to spend two weeks in nothing but pajamas and with my hair tied up in bandannas. Okay, I have an extensive pajama collection, and my bandannas are equally fetching, and, yes, it’s true I do a lot of my writing from bed anyway, but that’s really not the point.

Another time, I would have offset the temporary separation by splurging on facials, mani-pedis, and books, but as I wasn’t feeling well, none of that was appealing. Well, the books were, but I had a stack of novels I hadn’t bothered to read and couldn’t justify purchasing more. Instead, I spent a lot of time with seasons one, two and three of ER playing nonstop on the DVD player in one room and early Gilmore Girls episodes playing in another. Comfort watching, I call it. I also baked a lot of cookies then gave at least a dozen or two away to friends because I felt guilty for baking them in the first place. The second batch I was forced to do away with myself, because I’d become distracted and left out half the flour. They ended up being like very small chocolate chip crepes, quite chewy and great with the decaf Pike Place roast from Starbucks that I’ve been enjoying lately. I sprinkle cinnamon over the grounds before I start the brewing process, but that’s another story.

Ordinarily when Fuzzy (my husband) is away, we talk on the phone at bedtime, and that soothes the loneliness a little. The problem with these trips to Asia (other than the fact that I don’t get to go, though considering the number of shoe stores and my penchant for shopping, that may not be a bad thing, entirely) is that with a thirteen-hour time difference finding a time when we’re both awake and lucid is extremely difficult.

What makes matters worse is that Fuzzy is a special breed of human male known as Midwestern Man. This means that he is generally low-key to the point of stoicism, and when I’ve called him on business trips that took place on this continent and asked, half-teasing, “Do you miss me?” his response is usually something like:

“I don’t have to miss you, I know where you are.”

As if you can only miss someone if you can’t pinpoint their location on a map.

Also, he is not a phone person. He’s not terribly chatty, ever (see the part about being Midwestern), and when he’s on a phone he becomes downright laconic, answering almost anything he can with words like “Yup,” and “Nope.”

While this behavior does make me miss him less, at least for a few moments, my frustration with him later makes the separation worse, because I feel guilty for being frustrated. It’s quite the vicious circle.

Still, I was somewhat vindicated (and comforted) when, three days into this last two-week trip we finally made contact and he said, in a very small (for him) voice, “Hi, Lovey. I miss you.”

Suddenly, I wasn’t so pathetic after all.

Melissa A. Bartell earns her living by writing articles for an SEO marketing firm, and dabbles in essays and fiction on the side. She lives near Dallas, TX with her husband, two dogs, and more computers than anyone really needs. She is the Senior Editor here at All Things Girl. Find out more about her on our About Page. You can find her at her blog as well as other places here and there.

Share This Article »

Most writers draw upon their own life, especially in early works…. How much have you drawn upon yourself and your life for each of your Novels?

Since I write fantasy, I can’t draw on many actual autobiographical elements. I think many of my hopes and fears make their way into the story, though. For example, my fear of the darker side of human nature is pretty clearly described from Wanderer’s perspective. Also, my intense love—and need—for my family comes through in Melanie’s side of the story.

Can you go through your process (do you outline, write random chapters, plot, etc)

“I self-edit all the time when I’m writing. I enjoy reading the story over and over, tweaking it as I go.”

My process has changed with every book. With Twilight, I had no outline and no plan. With New Moon and Eclipse, I had fairly detailed outlines, and I wrote out of order; I focused first on the scenes that excited me, and then did the transitions between them after most of the story was written. With The Host, I worked chronologically for the first time. I had a very long and detailed outline (around fifty pages long, and including dialogue in many places), that I kept redoing as the story changed in the writing.

Do first drafts go to your agent, a friend, or who? What is your editing process?

Usually my mom, dad, and a few of my siblings are my first readers, and then I give it to my agent. I self-edit all the time when I’m writing. I enjoy reading the story over and over, tweaking it as I go.

What advice would you give to want-to-be writers?

The most important thing you can do is to write for yourself. Don’t think about any other audience, don’t worry about a demographic, and don’t let the thought of publishing ever enter your mind. Enjoy the story and enjoy the creation process. If you aren’t enjoying yourself, then you shouldn’t be writing.

“The most important thing you can do is to write for yourself. “

After your story is all done, then you can worry about what comes next. But keep the storytelling pure, and focus on pleasing yourself first.

Many of our readers are creative types…and most of the writer’s I talk to write with a schedule in mind. Walk me through a typical day in your world…..

It’s changed a lot since I first got started. With Twilight I wrote all day and all night. Now I mostly write at night (I think better after dark for some reason). During the day I have a lot of business to keep up with—lots of emails to write, lots of phone calls to make. In many ways I miss those early days when I didn’t have anything distracting me.

Tell me about the promotional side of being a writer in this digital age….. Blogs, websites, Facebook, MySpace, etc

I enjoy the connection the internet lets me have with my fans. I feel like I have a real sense of who a lot of them are, and I think they know the real me. That kind of relationship was impossible when people communicated through snail mail. I also like that when I need to focus, I can simply shut the internet down.

Do you feel you are sometimes too accessible to fans or not accessible enough?

I do worry that I’m not as accessible as I could be. I wish I had the time to answer fan mail. However, I think most of the fans understand the limitations. I can either write letters or write books—I can’t do both. I’m pretty sure most people want my stories more than my replies.

Writing can be such a solitary career. How do you balance in your family and your friends while being true to your needs as a writer?

“At the same time, I never feel like writing is solitary. The characters are such amazing company. Yes, I have imaginary friends ”

It is hard to find time for everything. It’s a balancing act, and I don’t always do it perfectly. I make a conscious effort to spend time with my kids every day after school, and to read to them at bedtime. My office is in the middle of the house, and it has no walls. I’m always in sight, and they know I’m there if they need me. My friends (who are very cool people) totally understand about my limitations, and they welcome me with open arms whenever I finally stager out of my hole to join them.

At the same time, I never feel like writing is solitary. The characters are such amazing company. Yes, I have imaginary friends 

It’s a typical Sunday….where do we find Stephenie Meyer?

At church! Sundays are my no-work days. It’s all God and family.

What other projects are you working on? Will you carry over any of your characters from current works – or will your next book introduce us to someone new?

Right now I’m editing Breaking Dawn (book four in the Twilight Saga). When that is done, I’ll move on to Midnight Sun (Twilight from Edward’s perspective). After that, I’m a free woman, and I have a million ideas I want to play with. I have outlines for a possible The Host trilogy, but first I may write about ghosts or mermaids or even plain old humans.

For more information on Stephenie, visit her website: StephenieMeyer.com. You can also check out an excerpt from The Host… or purchase her amazing book.

Deb Smouse is the Editor in Chief at All Things Girl. She’s is fast approaching 40…and spends her life fulfilling her roles as a consultant, mother, friend, reader, and writer. She loves to read…and appreciates the opportunity to hear from writers…. Find out more about Deb on our About Page.

Share This Article »

We are, of course, especially familiar with the sacrifice that comes with being a wife and a mother. Four years ago I was an at-home mother living with my husband and two children in an 800 square-foot cabin on the east coast of Vancouver Island. At that time, my children were ten years old and eight years old, respectively, and I had invested the entire previous decade exclusively dedicated to nurturing them while their father worked. We married in our very early twenties, and my husband and I had spent the subsequent thirteen years trying desperately to lay track. Shortly before our 14th wedding anniversary - three years ago - we finally ran out of steam, and the marriage finally derailed.

“You will be called to sacrifice something of extreme value, one way or the other. And when you are called to it, you can find that you do indeed possess what you need, deep inside yourself, to rise to it.”

Because we experienced a relatively amicable divorce, I was able to peaceably communicate with my children’s father in regards to their needs - keeping in mind the financial and emotional resources available to each individual parent. For a year and a half after my ex-husband and I separated, I lived with my children as a working single parent in my hometown of Toronto, Ontario, where I had relocated for the benefit of a support network of sorts as well as increased employment opportunities. Their father continued to maintain his home and employment on Vancouver Island, where we had been raising our children, but he often expressed his anguish at the geographic distance between his location and where the children were. Because their father had a stable home and income – admittedly superior to my own - I weighed the situation and decided to ask the children if they wished to return to Vancouver Island. While visiting him over the summer holidays, they decided that they wanted to “go home”…in spite of my belief and wish that I, in and of myself, am their home.

This was an unspeakably heartbreaking choice that was made with the needs of all considered and it was a decision that I agonized over from May to December of 2006. Perhaps it goes without saying that it was one of the hardest choices I have ever made in my entire life – but here I am, saying it regardless. It certainly was far more difficult than separating from my husband – and as broken as the marriage was, it was not at all easy to separate. In a sense, separating from my husband was about me once again declaring my ownership of my Self – which I had abdicated in a million tiny ways in the dysfunction of our marriage - but sending my children back to be with their father required that I willingly sacrifice my and much of the basis of my identity. Who was I going to “be” if I was not “doing”? What was my name if I didn’t hear “Mom!” on a daily basis?

According to Statistics Canada, studies showed that women’s incomes remain less than 60% of men’s (Statistics Canada, 1995; 2000), and that 56% of lone parent families headed by women are living under the poverty line, compared with 23% of those lone parent families headed by men.
Furthermore, a National Population Health Survey revealed that 43% of women who have undergone a marital break up (divorce or separation) had a substantial decrease in household income, while only 15% of separated or divorced men had a financial decline.

“Who was I going to “be” if I was not “doing”? What was my name if I didn’t hear “Mom!” on a daily basis?”

While facing the financial and emotional devastation of marital dissolution, a woman who chooses to be a non-custodial parent experiences a varying levels of alienation, regardless of the continually changing gender roles that modern women experience.

It is common for most people to react with an edge of suspicion when first informed that the mother has chosen to allow her children to remain in primary care of their father. Often, there is an assumption that the woman has a substance abuse issue, abuses her children, is emotionally unstable, or otherwise unwell or unfit. While there are certainly instances where this is accurate, it is unfair to assume that this is the case, simply by default. It is widely accepted that the father is non-custodial, and furthermore, the parenting ability of the father is not immediately called into question. Divorce rates show that in 2006, there were 1,414,060 single-parent families in Canada — or approximately 15.9% of all families. Of the lone-parent families, 1,132,290 were headed by the mother - and one must safely assume that there are a variety of circumstances that lead to these statistics that do not include abandonment or divorce.

A situation that is almost impossible to measure is the wrenching experience of the non-custodial mother being significantly removed from her children due to geographic location. Because of increased mobility, relocation for increased employment opportunities, or the need to maintain residence where there is a strong support network, non-custodial mothers occasionally find themselves parenting long-distance.

On December 29, 2006, I took Leah and Daniel to the airport to fly from Toronto back to their previous home in on the other side of the country. I had made plans to relocate to Montréal, in the neighbouring province of Québec, to pursue work and education immediately after their departure. At the time, I had hoped and believed that I would see them again over the spring or summer holidays, but as it turned out, I did not see my children until December 28, 2007 – only one day less than a full year since I sent them to their father. If I had known that it would be that long…I am uncertain that I would have found the strength to let them go. But letting them go when I did meant that I was forced to say that, in the aftermath of separation and divorce, their father was more materially equipped to care for them. And if I am brutally honest, and without shame, I must admit that at that time, he was also more emotionally equipped. I was empty.

In the year and a half that has passed, I have vacillated between heavy despair and a tentative hope that I have correctly made difficult choices in order to create a long-lasting, stable solution for continual difficulties that repeated for over a decade. I aim to set an example of strength and independence in a way that I did not demonstrate in the midst of a dysfunctional and tumultuous marriage. I have established a stable home and reliable means of employment, purged toxic relationships from my daily life and have had the opportunity to develop a loving, healthy relationship with a man who is my best friend and my emotional and intellectual equal. I have faced financial instability and discouragement as a woman re-entering the work force after being a homemaker for over 10 years in a new city with a different culture and language.

“It is worth it because the choices I made, though unspeakably difficult, were the best ones to make with what was available to me at the time.”

I find myself in a set of circumstances that are simultaneously overwhelming and exhilarating. I am both exasperated by the experience of swimming against the cultural current of the nurturing mother, empty nest syndrome, and how women must define their worth by our parenting, the state of our home, our body image as well as our performance at work and financial net worth.

I ask myself every day and every night if my choices were correct and worth the trouble and the risk, and I find myself immediately and consistently answering that question in the affirmative. Yes. It is worth it because the choices I made, though unspeakably difficult, were the best ones to make with what was available to me at the time. I am giving my children more of me, and in the long run, a better Me. I have faith that the choices I have made and will continue to make day-by-day will yield great results in the long run. Some have called it selfish – and some will call it selfish – but that’s a sacrifice I am willing to make, for my kids - and for me.

Renée Letros is mother to a teenage daughter and a just-about-to-be-teenage son. She lives in Montréal, Canada, with her best friend, partner and Love, Warren, in an idyllic tree-lined neighborhood surrounded by parks, cafés, bakeries, churches, and an open-air market. She focuses her writing mainly on non-fictional explorations of relationships with lovers, family, friends, co-workers, and community and culture

Share This Article »

He released his début solo album Schoolbus Window Paper Heart, produced by Tim Bradshaw, long time keyboard and guitar player for David Gray. Together they created a warm, apple pie and cold beer album with strong American music influences from Ayoub and the Brit Rock influences of Bradshaw. It is a beautiful, deep, sometimes funny, soothing album filled with acoustic guitar, jangely synth and emotive, insightful lyrics.

Phil has an extraordinary ability to paint a clear, poignant picture in song and coupled with his love of pure natural music Schoolbus Window Paper Heart.

Phil is a funny, sarcastic but charismatic and urbane man, relaxed and friendly, he is a joy to chat with and interview.

You write all your own songs, and they are all quiet romantic. They mostly seem to revolve around love or a broken heart.

Well I don’t know about a broken heart per se but I definitely feel that I write most comfortably about interpersonal relationships. I’ve actually kind of grappled with this a little myself, as to whether I write about this stuff because I think there is truth in there somewhere, or there’s not truth. What I mean by that is maybe they’re interesting to me because in a lot of personal relationships there is no black and white, there is no truth. I think it’s an interesting exploration.

They are just things that have impacted my life the most, more so than politics or anything like that. It’s just been the most interesting to me to write about, and also I’ve been able to learn things about myself by writing those types of songs. I’ve started tons of songs that I thought were about someone else then I get either half way through or just about finished and I realise they’re about me.

How do you feel about love?

It’s an interesting time for you to ask me that question. I say that because I feel like I have experienced it in the past and still cling to an idealist view of it, but as you get older it’s harder and harder to keep that ideal. And I do wonder from time to time if you can feel love now like felt it when you were in your early twenties, mid-twenties. I sometimes wonder if I can still feel that strongly now, after going through a lot of the things I have been through.

Do you think it would be the strength of your love that has diminished as in the ability to feel overwhelming love, or just the type of love? When you’re younger you feel a much more innocent, pure almost hero-worship type love for someone. As you get older you are much more realistic and have a much more grounded love for someone.

I’ll tell you what I’ve found. I’ve found that over the years as I’ve been in different relationships and dated, I’ve built-up things that I don’t like in a partner. You know, whether it’s a couple of things about this person that annoyed you, and then you go on to another relationship and you may see some of those same things. For me, I fight with turning myself off when I see those qualities… I’m not explaining myself well here. I think I’ve built-up some things that I consider red flags and I shouldn’t. It does make things a little bit difficult. I feel like they travel with me from relationship to relationship and I don’t like that. It definitely takes me longer to let my guard down than it used too.

What are you looking for in a romantic partner?

First of all I – this is going to sound weird but – I want a woman who goes both ways. It’s not what your thinking. (laughing)

All men want that sweetie! (laughing)

No, I mean, I like to go out to a nice place and be a little classy and dress-up; and I also like to go to a dive bar and watch live music and drink beer. It’s very important to me that whoever I’m with enjoys both as well. I’ve met people like that and I’ve also met people who can only do one and not the other. That’s important to me, someone who is comfortable in both kinds of areas. Um, what else? Can we come back to this question? (laughs)

Sure. So you meet this beautiful amazing woman who has all these qualities how do you approach her and where do you take her on your first date?

This is definitely a two part question. The first part is the hardest part for me. The truth is I’m very bad at approaching women. I feel comfortable in a group situation, I feel comfortable if I meet somebody who is a friend of a friend. But for me to go up to somebody, out of the blue, and talk to somebody there would have to be a lot of Tequila or Vodka or something like that.

So you’re shy.

Yeah. To be honest with you I thought it would be one of the benefits of music.

(laughing) You thought women would throw themselves at you?

(laughs) I did think, when I signed that imaginary Rock Star contract, I thought it would solve all the meeting women issues that I had one way or the other. I figured that was never going to be a problem for me in my life. Not necessarily that I was going to meet and date a ton of women but more like meet more and various women.

First date. I have no standard first date. I do generally try to steer away from music stuff, I would rather do something that… well it can be distracting.

Are you ready for the what you look for in a woman question? What do you look for in a woman? What qualities are important to you?

She has to have an important understanding of family. Whether or not she has a close family, or a good relationship at home. I do, so I respect someone else who has a close relationship with family and I would want her to do the same for me. This is a tough question. Maybe because I don’t care I would take anyone right now. (laughs)

I guess I find that most of the women that I really like, I can’t always explain why I really like them. I think that’s a good thing.

A.L. Harper is a freelance writer and motorbike fanatic originally from Salt Lake City, Utah but now living in Scotland. In edition to being the Managing Editor for All Things Girl, A.L. is the Assistant Music Editor for Blogcritics.org and a freelance writer for hire.

Share This Article »

With the publication of the last book in the series, Kushiel’s Mercy, this month, the curtain has been closed on the characters readers have come to love, but as this interview with the author reveals, there are other visits to Terre d’Ange planned for the future.

Please tell our readers a bit about yourself and your background.

Nothing terribly exciting, I’m afraid! I grew up in a fairly normal, well-adjusted family, first in a suburb on Chicago’s North Shore, then in a quirky resort town in Michigan. In high school, I spent a couple years at a boarding school where half the kids (including me) were there for accelerated academics, and the other half because they’d been kicked out of a more prestigious boarding school. I suspect my fascination with human nature and how we interact with one another began there. I went to Lake Forest College, graduating with degrees in English Literature and Psychology and no idea what I wanted to do with either. So I took part in a work exchange program and spent six months working in a bookstore in London, which is when I realized that I wanted to write for a living.

In what ways did your childhood influence you as a writer? As a person?

I always had a vivid imagination, and my parents encouraged creativity. I used to bully my little brothers into taking part in imaginary adventures in the woods, which occasionally resulted in all three of us getting lost. After they wised up and refused, I spent years making up stories in my head, long before I ever set pen to paper and wrote them down.

Most writers are also avid readers. What authors most influenced you? What did you read as a child? What are you reading these days? Is there a favorite book or author you want to share with us?

“I always had a vivid imagination, and my parents encouraged creativity. … I spent years making up stories in my head, long before I ever set pen to paper and wrote them down.”

When I was ten years old and bored during nap-time at summer camp, I borrowed Mary Renault’s The Persian Boy from my counselor. It’s a historical fiction novel that follows the latter half of Alexander the Great’s life, seen through the eyes of the Persian eunuch Bagoas, and it was the very first ‘grown-up’ book I ever read. Although I was a bit sketchy on exactly what a eunuch was, I was captivated by her ability to bring to life a world that no longer existed, and by the lyricism of her prose. To this day, her writing remains a big influence. I went back to that book to study how she was able to write compelling battle scenes from a 1st person bystander’s point of view. The first sentence in Kushiel’s Dart is actually an homage to The Persian Boy.

There are tons of others, of course. In fantasy, Lloyd Alexander’s Prydain series, C.S. Lewis’s Narnia books. Lots of animal books – The Call of the Wild - all the Walter Farley and Marguerite Henry horse books.

Has writing always been your passion? When did you first realize you’d written something good?

I started writing when I was sixteen, but I didn’t take it seriously. Although I kept it up all through college, it wasn’t until afterward, during my time in London, that I realized this addictive hobby was a genuine vocation. A lot of my early writing was flawed, but I knew the potential was there. When I began writing Kushiel’s Dart, I knew I was onto something truly good.

Many of our readers are also writers, who are curious about the business of writing. Tell us about getting your first book published? Is publishing fantasy more or less difficult than publishing general fiction?

Publishing is a tough, tough industry, and I don’t think it’s any easier to break into fantasy than general fiction. There’s just too much competition. Over the course of ten years, I’d been around the block with earlier novels – the flawed work mentioned above – and collected my share of rejections. In hindsight, I’m glad, because it pushed me to become a better writer, but it was a long journey. Most major publishers won’t read unagented fiction these days. I researched literary agents while I was writing Kushiel’s Dart, and put together a target list of ten or twelve. One fell in love with the book and signed me. He went on to sell it to an editor who made a similar love connection. It takes hard work, perseverance, and always, luck.

Did you keep a diary or journal when you were a kid? How about today? Do you blog?

No, I’ve never kept a journal or diary; although the novel I began in my teens served much the same function! I don’t even count that among my practice novels, since it was a meandering mess. I write monthly updates for my website, and I’ve begun keeping pages on MySpace and Facebook, but I don’t really blog. Writing big, fat fantasy novels takes up a lot of time!

Writing can be extremely solitary. How do you balance your writing time with the need for a social life? Do you have a strong support network?

Luckily for me, I’m a Fortress of Solitude type of writer. It’s different for everyone, but I work best alone, without critique partners or writers’ groups. Now that I write full-time, it’s easier to find a balance. I have a great network of friends and family who keep me from turning into a hermit. When I’m done writing for the day, I close my office door and venture out into the real world.

Speaking of that creative space, can you set the scene for us? Do you work in an office or at the kitchen table? Is there any single item you HAVE to have in order to feel inspired (a computer/keyboard doesn’t count)?

You wouldn’t want to see that scene! I have a small, messy, cluttered office. There’s no single must-have item, but I need to be holed up in my lair to write.

Many of our readers struggle with balancing their creative needs and the rest of their lives. How do you do it? Walk us through a typical day in the life of Jacqueline Carey?

“Inspiration comes from everywhere and anywhere. I’ve found it in travel, in books, in movies, in music, dreams, in lectures, in museums. But ultimately, there is a part of the process that’s a mystery in the truest sense of the word.”

Writing full-time is a luxury. Mornings and early afternoons are for correspondence, errands, paying bills, etc. Late afternoon to early evening is for writing, and nights are for relaxing and socializing. But I worked a full-time day job for well over a decade, so I know the struggle! All my writing was done in the evenings after work and during long stretches of the weekends. And a lot of the creative process takes place in the in-between times. Driving to work, walking the dog, folding laundry. If the impulse is strong enough, you WILL find the time, no matter how difficult.

I’ve read that the initial inspiration for the Kushiel’s Legacy series came from a book on angels, but beyond that, where do you find inspiration for your work? For your characters? Phaedré and Imiriel are both such strong personalities – did you model them on anyone?

Inspiration comes from everywhere and anywhere. I’ve found it in travel, in books, in movies, in music, dreams, in lectures, in museums. But ultimately, there is a part of the process that’s a mystery in the truest sense of the word. For me, it lies in the question of “Where do characters come from?” I truly don’t know. Often, we write the books we wish to read. In my case, I think I also create people I wish existed.

I love that you write in first person – it makes everything so much more intimate. Did you have any issues taking on a male persona for the second trilogy, and writing from Imriel’s point of view?

I was concerned about being able to from a male point of view with integrity. I read a lot of male writers, paying attention to voice. There are differences in the way men and women communicate, and I wanted Imriel’s voice to ring true. And, obviously, the sex scenes required a greater leap of imagination!

There are some trilogies in which the middle novel feels like it exists just to be a bridge between the first and second, without much plot of its own, but with Kushiel’s Justice there was no sense that this was the middle part. Was this something you were conscious of during the writing and editing process?

Although it’s a trilogy, I don’t write cliffhanger endings. The books build on one another, but each has its own self-contained narrative and character arc, and explores different issues. I think that helps the middle book stand on its own; and Kushiel’s Justice is simply a strong story that deals with some universal themes.

Even in the three books told from Imriel’s point of view, you’ve given your readers a lot of strong women characters. Phaedré, Joscelin, and Ysandre are old friends, but Dorelei, Sidonie and Alais are all given their moments to shine, especially the latter two in Kushiel’s Mercy. Do you have a favorite among these three? Or at all?

Umm… his girly name notwithstanding, Joscelin wouldn’t thank you for including him among the women! But among the latter three, I’d have to say Sidonie; in part because she has the biggest role, and in part because there are contradictory elements in her nature that make her fun to write. One of the biggest challenges in Kushiel’s Mercy was figuring out how to put her in the middle of the action and give her a chance to come into her own. Though I have say that in the grand scheme of things, Phedré will always be my favorite, because she’s a truly unique heroine.

[Editor’s note: I do, and did, actually know that Joscelin is male – he’s a yummy character – my question was poorly phrased. MAB]

Did you set out to redeem Imriel’s mother, Melisande, in the last book, or did that flow naturally from the story. Do you even consider her redeemed?

Insofar as Melisande is capable of redemption, I do. But in a sense, I think her redemption took place in Kushiel’s Avatar at the end of the first trilogy. Fate punished Melisande in the cruelest way possible, by making her inadvertently responsible for her innocent son’s suffering. She made the only sacrifice she could in giving Imriel freely to Phedré and Joscelin to raise. Her role in Kushiel’s Mercy flows naturally from that point (although to be fair, it also stems from my love of an ironic plot twist).

Do you have a favorite scene in Kushiel’s Mercy? What is it?

I do, but it would spoil a major plot element to reveal it, and I hate to run the risk with a book that’s just hitting the stores. I work too hard trying to outwit my crafty readers! I’ll pick one from Kushiel’s Justice instead since it’s been out longer. SPOILER WARNING: My favorite scene is when Imriel kills Berlik, then falls to his knees in the snow and weeps, his quest for vengeance turned into something larger and deeper. There’s just something very poignant about the brutality and poetry of that moment.

Have we seen the last of the Kushiel world, or will you be revisiting it in the future?

I’m currently working on the first book in a new trilogy set in the same milieu. It takes place a few generations after the end of Kushiel’s Mercy because I felt it was time to let those beloved characters retire gracefully into legend, but there will be many familiar elements.

What advice would you give to aspiring writers?

“Ultimately, the best way to learn to write is by writing. … Write. Write a lot, and allow yourself to make mistakes.“

There’s an axiom that Writing = Butt in Chair, and it’s an axiom because it’s true. Ultimately, the best way to learn to write is by writing. Whether to outline before you begin or fly by the seat of your pants, whether to set goals or ignore the word count, whether to edit as you go or plow through a rough draft and edit later, whether to find a critique group or work alone – different methods work for different writers, and the only way to discover what process works for YOU is by trial and error. Write. Write a lot, and allow yourself to make mistakes. When it comes to seeking publication, it’s important to keep a professional approach. Research your market, adhere to their submission guidelines. There are no secrets and no shortcuts, and rejection comes with the territory. I dealt with it by always, always writing, so that when rejection slips came, I was already focused on The Next Big Thing.

One of the things that struck me about your work is an underlying sense of musicality – the rhythm of the language, the crowd scenes, etc. Obviously Imriel and his contemporaries don’t have iPods, but do you? What music are you really enjoying these days, and do you listen while you write?

I do have an iPod. I don’t listen to music while I write, but I take my iPod on long walks, or jogging on the beach during the summer, and I do a lot of my best creative thinking then. I listened to a lot of Coldplay, Arcade Fire and Blue October while I was hashing out my current work in progress. Oh, and Allison Crowe and Joe Purdy. More recently, I’m listening to Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds’ latest release.

What’s next for Jacqueline Carey? Tell us what you can about your next project?

Naamah’s Gift is the working title of the book I mentioned above set in Terre d’Ange; although the heroine is actually born to the Maghuin Dhonn, the dreaded bear-witches of Kushiel’s Justice. And I have a side project that’s something completely different, so much so that it will be published under a pseudonym: Santa Olivia, which I describe as a “post-punk desert bordertown fable, with boxing and cute girls in love.” Very different!

Kushiel’s Mercy, the last book in the Kushiel’s Legacy series, is being released in June, 2008, and can be found at your favorite local bookstore, or Amazon.com. Ms. Carey’s website is located at www.jacquelinecarey.com.

You can find a review of Ms. Carey’s books here in All Things Girl: Reviews: Kushiel’s Justice and Kushiel’s Mercy. Look for Jacqueline Carey as the ATG Guest Blogger the week of June 16th.

(Photo credit: Robert Carey)

Share This Article »