Ah, growing old… Did you say “wise”? by Simba Sowmya
Not too long ago, someone wise told me that growing old also means growing mature & wise. Though I so badly wanted to believe him, somewhere deep down the person in me refused to accept it. Even after innumerable friends, relationships, heart breaks, I just don’t seem to get it. There are still times when I hurt those who love me the most and put blind faith in others who eventually hurt me ten times worse. And I am exactly where I started, not any wiser. I wish I knew the future, what awaits me as I go through some of those self-defeating times, but I don’t. And I don’t seem to learn. Am I even growing except I can’t escape those birthdays year after year?
But I am so confident about one thing – the signs of aging are pretty obvious. When many of your daily thoughts start delving into the backyards rather than the front lawn, you can be pretty confident that the imaginative grey hairs might actually be for real. Now there’s a road ahead filled with dreams and desires for the future, but while you are at it pumping yourself with all the energy, you seem to get caught up in your past achievements, failures and whatnots. Come on’ grown up!
No, I don’t mean to preach but these are the very things I keep repeating to myself every morning. I wake up each day with thoughts about how to color my days with undying enthusiasm, doing magnanimous gestures, filling others’ lives with sunshine but as the noon draws in, I am shifting deeper into the over stuffed couch and gulping the nth cup of coffee. And come evening, I am exactly where I was a day ago, rather a step further away from becoming that sunshine. Do I need help or what?
But well, my Résumé won’t lie, will it? As I gaze through it and read through some of my achievements, I can’t help but sigh and purr. Well, I am not exactly where I wanted to be, like I wanted to be a millionaire by 30 and I should have reached that goal a couple of months ago. Not only am I so far away from that goal but I am in fact further below on that ladder considering my education loan. I might have disappointed innumerable people and still continue to do so, but I know they will love me just the way I am even if they hate to accept it! I have worked with so many people and so many of them have added so much to my life. I am glad I have been through it all. Someone the other day teased me about my age and I told them with all sincerity, “Thank God, I would hate to go through my 20’s again and get hurt all over again, because surely, I don’t seem to learn.”
30 years old or 30 years young, I like living my life exactly the way it is. So what if I can’t get my thoughts off my dad who brought me big candy bars every time he came back home from business trips or my mom who worked ceaselessly to give me the luxury of that extra set of new clothes for my birthday; my future as usual is unclear but my dreams are big enough to accommodate all my nostalgia and fears. Just looking at how far I have made my way, I can’t help smiling. Yeah, I haven’t been a brilliant academic or an over-achiever but I didn’t turn out that bad either. Not quite sure about maturity or wisdom, I am happy that every day is still a mystery. How boring would it be if we knew precisely where we are heading!
Simba is a recent MBA graduate from Duke. She finds herself dabbling with words and life. Business woman, engineer, author, volunteer, counselor, friend, lover, student - all these and more, packed into every single day.
More of her ramblings on www.simbarulez.com
