Everything Girl

“There are love objects we simply dream up. They are not real people to us; they are the embodiment of a dream. We unleash both want and need onto them and while we’re dreaming, we believe that they can fill up the bottomless pit where want and need are endlessly renewed.” Nuala O’Faolian from Almost There

Has something ever come your way: a job, a living situation, or a relationship that seemed so ideal, so too good to be true? Did you stop to question your good luck—but only for a moment, because, well, who wants to over think something so obviously perfect and meant to be? In the back of your mind did you think that just maybe it was finally your time, while at the same moment wondering if you deserved this stroke of good fortune? Did you beat back the naysayers with assurances that you are aware of the red flags surrounding this delicious circumstance, that you know what you are doing, that you know you are doing the right thing?

Well say hello to my old friends romanticism and starry-eyed delusion.

So here I am, fresh on the heels of a break-up after 7 years of less-than-blissful domesticity, and now find I am licking my wounds from this brand new hurt that’s been layered on top of the original pain. You see, as rational as my mind is, my heart has a whole ‘nother agenda. I am able to advise on relationship matters for my friends and family, with unflinching clarity and stellar insight, but when it comes to attending to my own affairs of the heart, I am completely inept.

“I am able to advise on relationship matters for my friends and family, with unflinching clarity and stellar insight, but when it comes to attending to my own affairs of the heart, I am completely inept.”

I try. I think I am lucid. I am pretty sure I weigh the pros and cons. I consider the signs and red flags and make a levelheaded decision about whether or not I should get involved. Then I stumble. Falter. Fall hard and get hurt. There isn’t a band-aid big enough for the double-whammy I am enduring right now. But I am still alive, the pain a visceral reminder of my mortality and the long road (if I am lucky) ahead of me.

In what feels like another lifetime, I got myself tangled up in a similar situation. After my divorce, nearly a dozen years ago, I fell hard for a charming cad when I was in need, desire really, of some kind words and physical connection. You know the situation: (let’s not use the word rebound, it’s so tacky) you are at the deepest darkest point in your life and convinced that dying would be the best thing that could happen all week. As with my, ahem, rebound then, this one bears a striking resemblance.

As much as I was over my long-term relationship, and had done much of the processing work that I needed to do while I was still in the relationship, I hadn’t spent enough time alone after the actual physical split to bring myself back to equilibrium. This is true of the rebound after my marriage and this recent train wreck I’m mopping up after. Had I spent a little more time alone after the big break-up, I likely wouldn’t be suffering through this mini break-up.

Spending time alone is the greatest gift I have given myself. I can’t evangelize enough about time alone. I am not one of those people who need to be in a relationship for fear of being alone, I just always happen to find myself as one half of an ultimately unhappy pair. And that’s a big problem that I now recognize. Just happening into relationships is not a sustainable model. No longer will I fall into relationships the way I fall into bed (alone) after a long day. Intention needs to be my guide. Oh, that and a bit more cautiousness.

I realize that I have denied myself many things that I haven’t felt I deserved. This is not a cognitive choice that I make, just the result of a lifetime of family and relationship issues and other contributing factors. To have the relationship I know I want, I have to envision what that looks like. And that’s where intention, and The List, comes into play.

“To have the relationship I know I want, I have to envision what that looks like. And that’s where intention, and The List, comes into play. “

The List is just that—a list that I have started with all the things, physical, emotional, mental, etc. that I would want in a future partner. Now, when faced with dating that cute, but homeless accordion player with the Sistine Chapel tattooed on his back and a great grin—but no job or even a bus pass as a means of transportation, I will check the list to see if those traits fall into the parameters of what I’d like in a partner. So far, homelessness and accordions are not on The List.

Banged-up and bruised though my heart may be, I am still optimistic. Call me a fool, but I believe that one day I will be in a gratifying relationship. I will continue to follow my heart but I will make sure that my heart has an honest discussion with my head. I will honor the signs instead of explaining them away. I will not become a part of a couple until I consult The List, my head, and a few friends who know my previous m.o.

And yes, the tee shirts he made for me are quite cute, but not worth the misery.

Shanna Trenholm is a writer, animal lover, eater of dark chocolate, and teller of truths. She finds inspiration in the ordinary; magic in the mundane. She likes to take baths and naps (in that order). Send her some bubble bath here: www.shannatrenholm.com

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